In ancient Greece, ostracism was used as a means to diffuse a potentially volatile situation by removing, or casting out an individual(s) in order to maintain peace. Their imposed sentence was usually to last 10 or so years. I'm up to about 27 years now.
Too bad i wasn't allowed to cross the street when i was a kid, or things may have worked themselves out. For a time, i was just like any other kid, i laughed, i played, i knew every kid on my block. And we all got along, we had fun! I was 6, and we were the Three Musketeers plus one. Myself, Denny, Eric and Scott.
What seemed like just any routine normal childhood, would take a fierce fork in the road.. A new kid showed up on the block, Kurt, and though i didn't know it at the time, his appearance would change the course of my life.
It wasn't until last August (08) that i was able to unlock that memory of how my journey down this path all began. Something which i had repressed and tucked expertly away, my Rosetta Stone, lost for nearly 27 years while i thrust myself forward through the fog and dark mist that would become my existence.
My parents, sister and myself, and Kurt as a guest went to a flea market of sorts at the park across the street where we lived (more of a summer festival type of thing). And i remember being infatuated with these two old toy trucks that one vendor had. Well, i was told i could only have one, and Kurt would get the other. Cool. I was stoked. Fast forward a few days, bored with nothing to do, i headed over to Kurt's to see if he wanted to hang out, and perhaps play with our new found treasures. When i got to his house, Denny was there, and i was pretty much told that i wasn't welcome that day.
To say i was put out was an understatement. We never, as a group of friends, excluded anyone, this was new to me and i didn't quite know how to take it. I saw that truck my dad bought him on the front lawn, and i took it out of spite. Not more than two minutes after i had gotten home did Kurt and Denny show up. I cant remember the exact words, but basically went something like "your not our friend anymore, and we'll make sure your not a friend of anyone else as well".
I remember just sitting there, on the ground, dumbfounded. He meant it too, i didn't have any friends after that encounter. At that point i was ostracized by everyone on the block, and to be honest i didn't understand why, and still don't understand whatever i had done should warrant such a sentence.
The only one whom didn't turn on me was Eric, he had moved away earlier that year. I missed him for a good long time. We were like peas and carrots. I haven't seen him since. I've always wondered what became of him.
From that, the seeds of depression and anxiety started to form their roots, and the tears deep inside eroded the soil on which my self esteem was built, and brick by brick it came tumbling down and has been long since covered over with a tangled mess of thorny roots.
Nobody seemed to notice. As i drifted further and further within myself, as my depression festered and my anxiety encapsulated me, i may as well have been invisible. No help was sought, and none was offered. I was left to fend for myself.
I credit my young age at the time, and not knowing or ever even have heard about suicide for the fact that i still walk this earth. Ive had a good long time to get used to living like this, though i do and have thought about my final curtain call.
I failed first grade that year........
